My Story

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USNCTN
My Story

This is my first time to this forum. I was pointed in this direction by my last command's Suicide Prevention Coordinator and I wanted to check it out and tell my story. I've been in the Navy almost 12 years now. A lot of what this site seems to be geared toward are soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen who are coming back from a highly stressful deployment. While I do wholeheartedly believe that the mental health of our post-deployment personnel is a legitimate and serious concern, I don't believe that's all we need to be concerned about.

Around May 2005, I had gone through a rough spell that didn't involve post-deployment concerns. My mother and stepfather were alcoholics and would argue late at night, even on school nights. When I left for the Navy, I was free to some degree, but as the oldest son and holding a job that paid better than most of my family was currently making, I felt obligated to chip in. My parents asked me for money once every other month, such as $200 for back rent, $500 to get the car inspected, or $100 to turn the phones back on. I also paid for my middle brother to go to an automotive training school and a friend of mine to buy a used VW Jetta which he had for about a week until he wrapped it around a telephone pole after racing a friend and pulling the emergency break when taking a turn (the idiot was ok, but needless to say, our friendship hasn't been the same since). What I didn't know I was doing was enabling them (all of them) and causing unnecessary stress on myself. But I was way too nice, and felt a sense of duty to try to fix what was wrong with my parents. I was living in the barracks and that money could have been better utilized in a savings account toward an apartment off base. I was also lonely, because I never really put myself out there in a position that I could get hurt. That made talking to women more difficult or making new friends, even though when I was in school for my job, I had no problems with being well-liked amongst my classmates. My work performance was also in a slump. I had been in a division that did computer programming for about a year, but I didn't feel like my skills had progressed as they should have during that time. I was constantly bored, staring at a computer screen and not knowing how to start. I didn't have a professional mentor or someone to give me guidance, and I didn't know to ask for those things either. I just felt stuck.

All of these reasons may seem trivial, but this goes back to the fact that a suicidal person's reasons for thinking, attempting, or committing suicide are vastly different from person to person. It's an extremely personal, however selfish, act. Personal because you fully believe that these "trivial" reasons are real and serious problems. And when it gets to the point that you feel that you need to take your life to escape them, then it does become real and it is very serious. I feel it's a very selfish act, because at the time I was thinking of killing myself, I wasn't thinking about how it would impact my family, friends, or coworkers. I was just stuck in a rut and I was being buried alive by my own problems and couldn't find a way to claw myself out. I was able to snap myself out of mental state and just get myself home and go straight to bed. The next morning, I went to work, told someone about it and got the counseling and medication I needed.

I don't want to make the post too long, so I want to start a separate thread on how suicidal thoughts or attempts effect and individual's security clearance. If you have any questions about my situation, please feel free to ask. The worst I'll say is that I don't feel like talking about it. Please keep in mind, that while I'm doing my best to tell my story, it feels like talking about the lowest point in my life over and over again. It's not easy. So hopefully your parents or someone has told you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Well that applies here. Thanks.

Quamery
Re: My Story

From reading this post it is very easy to understand, but it would make a good post this to happen so soon.

Quamery
Re: My Story

Your posts make me have much more knowledge that I never knew before.

harry56
Your posts make me have much more knowledge

Your posts make me have much more knowledge that I never knew before.

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