Photo by Pvt. Daniel Boothen

You and your deploying spouse have worked hard to prepare your children for the day of departure. You’ve enjoyed quality family time in the weeks and months before this day; you feel proud of all your family has accomplished together. Despite your planning however, you and your spouse might feel as if nothing could prepare you and your children for the moment of saying goodbye. These resources may help:

• Goodbyes Are Hard - Activity Booklet for Ages 6-9 [PDF 260KB]
• Separations Happen - Activity Booklet for Ages 13-15 [PDF 562.37KB]

Throughout the deployment phase, try to focus on the positives of separation. The initial adjustment period might seem endless, but military families make adjustments that often lead to new sources of strength, support, maturity and independence.

A Child’s Signs of Stress

Deployment is a time of change and adjustment. Even with the best preparation, parents may not prevent their children from feeling stress after a parent’s departure. Younger children may not fully understand why Mom or Dad is gone; older kids who do understand Mom or Dad’s job may still become resentful to one or even both parents.¹ A sudden and perhaps prolonged change in a child’s behavior or mood may be a response to Mom or Dad’s deployment. The at-home parent can help his or her child cope during this time of separation by recognizing some general, yet age-specific signs of stress:

Helping Children Cope with Deployments and Reunions²

This chart illustrates general stress signals the at-home parent can expect. However, because the response of children to a parent’s deployment depends on the child’s age and maturity level, a more specific list of behaviors resulting from separation anxiety can include the following³:

• Preschool- or Kindergarten-Age Children.
  • Increased clinginess.
  • Unexplained crying.
  • Increased aggressiveness toward people or things.
  • Becoming withdrawn.
  • Sleep difficulties.
  • Changes in eating patterns.

• School-Age Children.
  • Any of the signs above.
  • Increased complaints about stomachaches or headaches.
  • Increased irritability.
  • Problems at school with grades, teachers, peers.
  • Anger toward the at-home parent⁴.

• Adolescents and Teenagers.
  • Any of the signs above.
  • Acting out at home, school, with the law.
  • Low self-esteem; self-criticism.
  • Anger over small things.
  • Loss of interest in sports, clubs, hobbies, friends.
  • Experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex.

What Your Child Needs…

Children going through deployment often worry about the separating parent, the at-home parent and themselves. Taking care of your child physically and emotionally can help him or her cope until the deployed parent returns.

• …for you to take care of yourself

Studies show that after Mom or Dad’s departure, children often switch their day-to-day concerns from the absent parent to the at-home parent. Use judgment in sharing with your children why you are sometimes irritable or tearful, but definitely find some “you” time:

• Get out and exercise.
• Pursue a new hobby.
• Volunteer at your place of worship or your child’s school.
• Spend time with a good supportive friend.
• Take a scheduled nap.

• …unconditional love and honest, yet age-appropriate communication

Children are perceptive — they know when something is going on, and when there is stress in the family, they will often think it is their fault. Make sure children know they are loved by providing consistent, loving talk time. Listen to their concerns and let them know it is okay to be sad, frustrated or angry.

• Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families During Military Deployment: View and download the Sesame Street Workshop videos for children and families. This bilingual DVD kit is designed to help military families with children ages 3-5 cope with feelings, challenges, and concerns experienced during various phases of deployment.

• …for family plans and traditions to continue

It is important not to put family life “on hold” until the deployed parent comes home. Kids look forward to Friday pizza night, Saturday day trips or sports and involvement with other families and friends. These expected traditions are calming to children and provide a fun, relaxing outlet for all of you.

• My Life, A Kid’s Journal ⁵ [PDF 2.91MB]

• …a healthy lifestyle

Before deployment, you and your spouse may have worked as a team to tackle day-to-day responsibilities; during deployment, the at-home parent may have to tackle it all alone. Time seems to become scarce and it’s easy to try and cut corners. As much as possible:

• Try to keep the kids active in sports, clubs, and hobbies.
• Limit TV and computer time.
• Encourage children to get outside for a walk or bike ride.
• Take time to cook and eat as a family by skipping the convenience of unhealthy fast food.

• …to know about the absent parent and that this deployment will end

Despite their daily activities, children will continue to wonder about their deployed parent. Where is he? What is she doing? When is he coming home? Keep in touch as much as possible using the recently launched Sesame Street Family Connections website, an interactive site, similar to Facebook but with more privacy, that allows military service members and their families to stay connected in a safe and nurturing environment.

Take this opportunity to try imaginative and creative opportunities related to the deployment:

• Explore the country and culture where the deployed parent is stationed.
• Search a map or globe and locate the country.
• Visit the local library to check out books, personal computer games and online encyclopedias for interesting facts.
• Learn about that region’s weather, food and customs.
• Help “shorten” a parent’s deployment by marking events and milestones on a calendar – include birthdays, holidays, school events and vacations.

• …a firm routine and discipline in the home

Keeping a sense of order and routine for children is difficult; it is even more difficult when a parent is absent. Kids will test the at-home parent’s boundaries, rules and routines. Talk with your children about consistent bedtimes, chores and homework. Always follow through with a clear set of consequences and rewards to keep everyone on track⁶./p>

• Helping Children Cope During Deployment [PDF 413.07KB]: Contains useful information in the form of commonly asked questions followed by their responses. It is important to remember that although deployments are stressful, they also provide opportunities for families to grow closer and stronger⁷.

A Unique Challenge — Adolescents and Teenagers
More than likely, infant and school-age children will take their emotional cues from the primary caregiver. If the at-home parent is coping well, his or her children will tend to do well. Most teens will adjust to the pressures of school, friends and family, not to mention their own physiological changes. However, open communication and realistic expectations can help parents to build positive relationships and healthy lifestyles. Here are some ways to help your teenager cope during a parent’s deployment:

• Maintain structured routines at home. Teenagers gain comfort from a stable routine at home. Stick to daily schedules of bedtimes, TV and practices for music, sports or hobbies.
• Make time for both light conversation and more serious subjects, letting your teenager discuss the topics that are the most important to him or her.
• Give your teen the privacy of a journal for thoughts, poetry, stories and artwork.
• Let your teen communicate on his or her level. Teens are comfortable with text messages, cell phones, e-mail, personal web pages and blogs.
• Encourage exercise and relaxation.
• Allow your teenager time with friends to talk, listen to music or attend social events⁸.
  • Military Youth Coping with Separation: When Family Members Deploy: Watch this video of older children and teenagers discussing their feelings and how they cope with issues that arise when a parent is deployed.

Learn to recognize your child’s stress signals and teach him or her age- and maturity-level appropriate coping skills to help him or her through the absent parent’s deployment. By giving children their own sense of control, the entire family can enjoy a strengthened family bond during the time of separation.

Additional Resources

• The “So Far” Guide for Helping Children and Youth Cope with the Deployment of a Parent in the Military Reserves [PDF 317.22]
• Helping Kids Deal with Deployment

Sources

¹Military.com, last accessed August 17, 2009.
²Helping Children Cope with Deployments and Reunions [PDF 413.07KB], last accessed August 17, 2009.
³Deployment: Your Children and Separation, last accessed August 17, 2009.
⁴Tips for Parents Supporting the Child Whose Military Parent is Deploying, last accessed August 17, 2009.
⁵Health Net, last accessed August 17, 2009.
⁶Air Force Tips for Families, last accessed August 17, 2009.
⁷Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences [PDF 2.91MB]
⁸Teenagers and Deployment, last accessed August 17, 2009.