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Helping Children Cope During Deployment
Deployments can be challenging for the entire military family. Even with the best preparation children may experience stress when one or both parents deploy. The at-home parent or caregiver may also experience stress as they adjust to new family roles and responsibilities. Although deployment may be challenging, military families often make adjustments that lead to new sources of strength and support.
This article focuses on tools and resources that can help military families decrease stress and strengthen family resilience during a deployment.
Recognizing Signs of Stress in Children
Deployment is a time of change and adjustment for children. It is normal for children to behave and react differently to protect their feelings, to gain reassurance that they are still loved and to assure themselves that the at-home parent or caregiver won't leave them. Although children will have different reactions to separation, it is important to recognize some common signs of stress by age group. In the table below, afterdeployment.org provides some helpful guidelines for behaviors and moods children may experience during a deployment.1
Signs of Stress in Children
< 1 yr
Won't eat, more
Less energy or
interest in things
Grumpy, angry, sad
clingy, won't sleep
Whines, "acts out"
Grumpy, moody, sad
Isolates, turns to
peers, takes risks
Anger, depression or
gives the sense that
they don't care
To learn more about different emotions and behaviors children may experience during deployment, as well as age-appropriate ways to communicate to children during deployment, read:
This article is the second of a three part series that provides resources for military families throughout each stage of deployment. Read the other articles in the series, Part 1: Preparing Children for Deployment, and Part 3: Transitioning Through Reunion.
- The 'So Far' Guide for Helping Children and Youth Cope with the Deployment of a Parent in the Military Reserves [PDF 317.22]
- Helping Children Cope During Deployment [PDF 413.07KB]
Helping Children Adjust
During deployment, family roles may change, new routines are established and new sources of support, such as relatives, friends, playgroups and community gatherings are found. The following tips can help children adjust to these transitions:1, 2, 3, 4, 5
- Provide unconditional love. Children of all ages may feel less safe or secure because of a change in family structure during deployment. Listen patiently to their concerns and let them know it is okay to be sad, frustrated or angry. Make sure children know they are loved by providing consistent, constant reassurance.
- Communicate. Children need to feel comfortable that they can ask questions and discuss their thoughts and feelings. Talk to children openly and honestly to help them work through their emotions and reactions. Base what you say about the deployed parent on the child's age and level of understanding.6
- Connect. Keep in touch as much as possible with the deployed parent with letters, photos, emails and phone calls. Consider setting up a communication schedule, which allows family members to anticipate and look forward to a phone call or email. Also consider using interactive sites such as:
United Through Reading
The United Through Reading Military Program provides deployed service members with the opportunity to record a video of themselves reading a children's book onto a DVD for their children at home to watch and read along to. Search for a United Through Reading location near you.
- Military Kids Connect: Provides an online peer community for military children as well as access to informative activities, fun games and helpful videos for each stage of deployment.
- Military Families Near and Far: Connects families with a deployed parent through online activities such as creating and sharing art, music and videos. For more information, read the article, Sesame Workshop's Military Families Initiatives.
- Stick to routines. It is important not to put family life "on hold" until the deployed parent comes home. Children take comfort in routines and will feel more secure if bedtimes, mealtimes and other important rituals remain unchanged. Continuing family traditions such as pizza nights and weekend family activities can provide a fun and relaxing outlet for everyone.
- Maintain discipline and firm limits at home. Children will test the at-home parent or caregiver's rules and routines. Make sure your children know that household rules, such as chores and homework, will not change during deployment. Always follow through with a clear and consistent set of consequences and rewards to keep everyone on track.4
- Stay involved in your child's education. Let teachers and educators know that one or both parents have been deployed, and that your children may be facing extra stress. Schedule regular check-in meetings with teachers to check on progress and learn about behavior changes at school or if they recognize any signs of stress. For more resources, read the article, Working with your Child's Educators During Deployment.
- Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Increase your children's physical well-being by:
For more tips and resources on how to reconnect with teens and establish a strong bond after a long time apart, read the Real Warriors Campaign article, How to Reconnect with Your Teen After a Deployment.
- Eating healthy, well-balanced meals together as a family. For nutrition tips and resources, read the article, Nutrition's Role in Building Resilience.
- Keeping children active in sports, clubs and hobbies. For more information about the importance of physical activity, read the article, Physical Fitness Training Year-Round Boosts Resilience.
- Limiting TV and computer time. Monitor media exposure and base the amount of war-related news your child watches on their age and maturity level.
Taking Care of Yourself
During deployment, the at-home parent or caregiver may feel overwhelmed with added childcare and household responsibilities and may cut out personal time. However, it is important to recognize that taking care of yourself during times of stress is just as important as caring for your children.7 Consider getting involved with your installation's Family Readiness Group to meet other families in the same situation and find ways to help each other. Find contact information for your installation through MilitaryINSTALLATIONS.
For tips and resources on self-care during stressful times, read the Real Warriors Campaign article, Caring For Yourself While Helping Support Your Service Member.
Reach out for Help
Don't hesitate to reach out for help if you find it hard to support your child's emotional needs at any time. You can get support and information by contacting:
- DCoE Outreach Center, available online via live chat as well as by phone at 866-966-1020 and e-mail at email@example.com.
- Military OneSource, available online or at 800-342-9647.
Recognizing common emotions and behaviors that children can experience during a deployment along with learning about ways to help children adjust and manage their emotions can strengthen a family while one or both parents are away. Although challenging, deployment can also be an opportunity to reinforce strong family bonds and increase the resilience of the entire family.
- 4-H Military Partnerships
- Air Force Reserve Family Readiness
- Air Force Youth Programs
- American Academy of Pediatrics
- Army Child and Youth Services
- Army OneSource - Child, Youth and School Services
- Army Reserve Child and Youth Services
- Blue Star Families
- Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families
- DoDEA's GradeSpeed
- Educator's Guide to the Military Child During Deployment [PDF 353KB]
- Helping Kids Deal with Deployment
- Marine Corps Children, Youth, and Teen Programs
- Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC)
- Military Youth on the Move
- National Military Family Association
- Navy Child and Youth Programs
3 "Helping Your Preschooler Deal with Your Deployment," Military OneSource. Last accessed May 15, 2013.
4 "Helping Your School-Aged Children Deal with Your Deployment," MilitaryOneSource. Last accessed May 15, 2013.
6 "The 'So Far' Guide for Helping Children and Youth Cope with the Deployment of a Parent in the Military Reserves," [PDF 317.22] SOFAR. Last accessed May 15, 2013.
7 "Serving as the Designated Family Caregiver for a Deployed Service Member," Military OneSource. Last accessed May 15, 2013.